January 3rd, 4:30 am - The day after

Well....

I am 32. Just had a nice little birthday party and had most of my loved ones come over and give me, if not a gift, at least a hug. Which I prefer really. Although both are nice.

I was going to do the clichéd list of stuff I liked/disliked about 2008.

I was going to finish my Christmas gifts post and do a birthday one as well.

I love all the other gifts I got and thanks everyone. I'm not doing that blog though.

The Slash poster is still my favourite. It's not shocking. But everyone was great and everything I got was amazing. Love you all and thanks so much.

So....

yeah, it is....or was....my birthday today....the 2nd. 32 years old and it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm completely insomniac tonight and lonely and...


....i don't know.

whining again I guess.

and I know that insomniac is a noun and not an adjective. I don't care, but I am aware of it. Just so you know.

I am so close now to being just where I want to be. I don't know why I am just depressed as hell tonight.

Ugh. People are going to read this and worry about me. That's sweet, but also troublesome. I guess I could just write all this in my notebook instead. No one ever has to read it. For some reason I want it to be public though, even if I don't want to deal with the consequences, such as they are....

I guess I'm just angry about getting older and losing opportunities and not knowing how I'll end up. I know I'll end up okay, got a good job and I'll have all that I need and I have good friends and family but I'm scared that in the most important ways I am failing.

A friend of mine used to get down about his life sometimes and say "I shoulda been changing diapers by now." I guess I know just what he means.

Not that I need to have kids right away or anything....just I'd like to see a little progress or something. Instead it just feels like it's one step forward, two steps back...

I'm trying to be really honest here

I'm still holding back

but I am getting there.

And I am sure I'm just being morbid right now. It's 4:56 am now and well, you know how that goes. Always darkest before the dawn.

I don't know if I have said what I wanted to. I never do.

Love you guys though. Sorry for...well....everything....

goodnight. Or good morning.

"Seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching but me...."