"Nobody Loves Me
Everybody Hates Me
Going to the Garden
To Eat Some Worms..."
Come Saturday, my "impromptu houseguest" situation is finally going to be resolved and my life can go back to the way it was back in October of last year. "La Vie Solitaire" returns! I am both overjoyed and miserable.
All of my life I have been alone. I'm an only child. A latch-key kid who rarely spent more than an hour or two a week with either parent as a child (at least that I recall). I also moved constantly in my early years, changing homes, schools, towns, cities, even countries. I quickly learned that forming any sort of meaningful attachment to anyone was a complete waste of time since I'd just be leaving soon anyway. It was better for everyone if we all just kept a nice, cool distance. That way, no one got hurt!
Come high school of course things changed. My life had achieved a modicum of stability and I began to form the sort of lasting relationships that I'd avoided since I was 5 or 6. For a few years this worked out fairly well, even to the point that I fought to stay here in Toronto and keep those relationships when I really should have left. I was just too scared of ending up alone again. The decisions of a 17 year old...what can ya do?
In any case, by staying instead of going I learned a very valuable life lesson: EVERYONE IS ALWAYS LEAVING. If I don't leave, eventually you will. It IS inevitable.
It took me from 1977 until 2011 to accept this simple fact and decide, as I did back when I was 6 or so, that I am meant to be alone and I ought to be happy about it.
Don't get me wrong, when I say everyone is always leaving, there's no judgment involved. I'm not bemoaning my lot or criticizing the ones who've come before. Their actions are rarely malicious and almost always make sense. I'm just not the most important person in anybody's life. No one is sticking around just for me. Nor should they! I'd probably just leave them, anyway.
It's true. I just haven't entirely figured out how to be happy about it, yet. I'm learning, though!
It took me from 1977 until 2011 to accept this simple fact and decide, as I did back when I was 6 or so, that I am meant to be alone and I ought to be happy about it.
Don't get me wrong, when I say everyone is always leaving, there's no judgment involved. I'm not bemoaning my lot or criticizing the ones who've come before. Their actions are rarely malicious and almost always make sense. I'm just not the most important person in anybody's life. No one is sticking around just for me. Nor should they! I'd probably just leave them, anyway.
It's true. I just haven't entirely figured out how to be happy about it, yet. I'm learning, though!
Just to make this VERY CLEAR - I AM NOT whining about my situation in life here...I'm fine with it! AND ESPECIALLY I'm not blaming my parents or ANYONE cause I felt lonely as a kid. When they weren't there it was cause times were tough and they had to work! ALSO, they would have had more kids, too, but it wasn't meant to be.
ReplyDeleteWe were never super well off, but I always had EVERYTHING I NEEDED and tons of stuff I didn't need but just liked! a whole ROOM full of Transformers comes to mind. I am happy about my childhood and don't want to appear ungrateful! I am happy with who I am NOW as a person and this is mostly DUE to my upbringing! I thought that was pretty obvious, but there is some confusion so hopefully this addendum will clear it up! :)